total numbness...

the past three weeks have been completely exhausting. dad spent a week in two different hospitals (Rose Med and St. Joseph)...went to rehab for four days...ended back up in the hospital (ER)...recovered well enough to get discharged to another rehab center and

passed away late friday night.

i am so emotionally spent right now. i'm certainly glad that dad won't have to endure months of rehab because the first facility was not a pretty scene. while the staff was helpful and compassionate for the most part, there was an air of loneliness and despair. to walk in there and watch the residents sit around was downright heart wrenching. i felt so guilty for putting dad there because of its proximity and on the case worker's word that it was a very good facility.

well, dad didn't have to stay there long because he ended up aspirating again and wound up back in St. Joe's ER four days later. now that i look back on it, the fluid in the lungs was probably a godsend; dad would have surely perished in that ugh place.

that was ten days ago. susie got a midnight call from the rehab center that dad had been re-admitted to St. Joe's. for the next eight hours, we zombies fretted in the ER w/ dad, wondering if his tired lungs would be able to bounce back yet again. it was definitely a terrifying experience. at one point (from 3-4 AM), we watched dad's blood pressure plummet to 110/39 and not budge at all.

dad did get a bed on the eighth floor that morning, w/ one of the best nursing staffs i have ever seen. not only were they on top of everything, they showed an unwavering compassion for everyone in that wing.

dad did recover though. the first day back at St. Joe's had him fighting the pulmonary infection and struggling to bolster his systolic back over 100. miraculously, he had accomplished both within the next couple days. his blood pressure had stabilized in the vicinity of 130/60 and his lungs had cleared up by friday. we thought everything was going to be all right. we even went on a road trip to other rehab centers to check 'em out.

well, that must've been dad's undoing. although he indicated that he wanted to try rehab again, i think his tank was empty. dad simply waited for the NY son to arrive before saying farewell; the last of the family to come into town to see dad.

since then, i've been in a fog. since dad's passing was so unexpected, we've rushed to get the funeral services arranged and everyone contacted. tensions reached their boiling point on saturday, during a meeting with the funeral director of Fairmount. the brother who was once the favorite son and arranger extraordinaire, lost it when we got in his face.

you remember that my father was a WWII veteran, right? well, vets and their spouses who are buried at Ft. Logan Cemetery receive free burial plots, which can run $2000-$6000 each at Fairmount. during the 'negotiations' the fallen son (whom i'll call FS) kept recommending that we interr dad there, even though everyone knew that they wanted to be buried at Fairmount. i know that our brother had the best of intentions, but he kept saying, "It's FREE if we go there."

after the third 'free comment' i glared at him and said that he was cheapening dad and his wishes. to which the eldest brother chimed in, "Yeah. Why don't you chill with the 'FREE' stuff?!?"

FS, conveniently lost it and stormed out of the room, saying that obviously wasn't needed there. yeah...walk out on your dad's funeral planning...REE-EAL smooth.

now, i can appreciate frugality. after all, i can be the king of cheap. i mean, how many guys do you know with 100-300 coupons in his coupon organizer? hell, how many guys CARRY a coupon organizer! you know FS, we're talking about your FATHER here...not a new car and its available options! ARRRRRRGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH! i still wanna fuckin' kill him. this drama is so silly. WHY!?! why can't i zap a couple of my siblings to the opposite end of the earth when sheer stupidity clouds their thinking?!?

so the funeral will be at 1:00 PM at the mortuary chapel at Fairmount Cemetery. if you want to read a bit about my dad, look for his obit in tuesday's paper.

my head is throbbing...